So I've had an epiphany

Today I am wearing a classic black sheath with a wildly printed top underneath. I felt happy wearing this outfit. It is a reprise of an outfit I wore last fall. The colors are quite "fall" and I am still sporting party hair ;-) 

I am sorry I did not respond to every one who shared their insight with me on my last post. So much of what you all wrote rang true to me or was simple good advice. 

Up until my revelation earlier this evening I was disappointed about my party -- the lack of attendance. It was hard for me to admit I was disappointed but there it was. Then I realized that I have different values. I bring all of myself to my interactions with people. I'm not kidding when I say "we should get together" or "let's have lunch". I value authentic expression and expect that others are being authentic until they give me a reason to believe that is not true. Not everyone else is comfortable being who they are or telling the truth about themselves and their preferences. They breeze through relationships with platitudes, pleasantries, and empty smiles.  Clearly, in my bliss I'd forgotten this information.  As a result I'd fallen into the trap of thinking that my definition of friend is the same as everyone else's. I guess I've come to the realization that words like, "awesome", "rockstar", "superstar", "icon", "diva", and  yes, "friend" are words that have become so overused as to mean less than nothing. 

It struck me that I probably know my real friends' physical addresses and phone numbers by heart; that wasn't the case for the people who said they'd come then chose not to show. I'm sure there's a catchy hash tag phrase in there somewhere, but I'll let you all decide what that is. 

Happy Monday! 

UPDATE: 10.27.13

I usually do not return to threads to update them but I thought this was important for people who will read this after my feelings have passed. I have come to a sense of peace about this party. I was reflecting today as I reorganized my closet. (I'm putting away the summer stuff and pulling out the winter clothes.)

This whole situation was a gift and a graduation of sorts. It was a gift because this was the opportunity I needed to see who in my life had values aligned with my own. I needed to do some long neglected reorganization of my friendships. I love to use metaphors to illustrate my point, so bear with my while I change into a Grayhound bus. As a Grayhound bus. I pick up people (relationships) who come along for the ride -- some get off at certain turns and stops others stay on for the long haul. 

Since I got the idea 10 years ago that I need to change my career and pursue becoming a tax attorney, people have been slowly getting off every time I make a new stop on my journey and not many people have been getting on or staying on. Over the course of these 10 years I picked up a co-pilot (DH) and his support means more to me than a bus load of people. Ridership was going down and that was scaring the heck out of me, but it did not scare me more than giving up on myself.  

This party resulted in a MASS exodus. People were running to get off the bus left and right and it scared me. (Am I going to be all alone???) But now I truly understand that the people left on the bus are in it for the long haul. The people who got off we telling me in their own way that they got on the wrong but and this was not the experience they'd signed up for. I have graduated to a whole new level in many ways (how I think of me, how others think of me, my sense of empowerment, etc., etc.) I deserve to associate with people who are just as proud and pleased with themselves as I am with myself.  I guess I had to realize the exodus wasn't about me -- I didn't do anything wrong, my breath doesn't smell, and I'm not a bad friend. I though this quote was quite fitting for the situation. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

"Two [wo]men are equals - true equals - only when they both have
equal confidence."


ARTHUR GOLDEN, Memoirs of a Geisha


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60 Comments

  • cheryle (Dianthus) replied 9 years ago

    You look lovely as always.  I have come to the realization that although I have many acquaintances, there are only a few I consider to be true friends and I am very good with that.  It is quality over quantity much like our wardrobe objectives. 

    P.S.  I might have to copy your look in the next week.

  • Day Vies replied 9 years ago

    Copy away! I'd love to see your version. 

  • catgirl replied 9 years ago

    Girl, I would so have come to your party - I am the same way and I treat my friends like family. When I see people on Facebook with 1500 friends I feel like the word friend has become diluted of all meaning.

  • El Cee replied 9 years ago

    That is a very powerful revelation DV. Thank you for sharing it. What you have said both in this post and your previous one gave me an "aha" moment. You have, in a big way, reminded me of something my grandfather always said... that we should consider ourselves blessed if we can count our true friends on one hand. As a kid, I always wondered what he meant by that. Now I don't. And BTW... you look beautiful today.

  • Caro in Oz replied 9 years ago

    Firstly, you look fabulous - this has to be up there as one of my favourite outfits on you. I would have been there in a flash too :)

    What you say rings so true DV. You are  right to be disappointed - it's not pleasant when people don't do what they say they will. In the end though, it is their problem (apart from the left overs) & I always think it's best to find out who you can rely on early on in any relationship.

  • Gaylene replied 9 years ago

    It's probably my age showing here, but I'm a bit appalled at the rude behavior of people who would say they would attend, and then not show up, at a private event held in someone's home. Personally, I think you are showing a very generous spirit in just terming their behavior "not authentic" or putting it down to "different values". My Miss Manners side would say that those people deserve to be black-listed from any further social events--or hung and quartered in a public square--your choice. :)

  • replied 9 years ago

    Wow, love te sleeves peeking out from this sheath! Gorgeous, and I truly mean that.

  • Peri replied 9 years ago

    I love your outfit!

    And really relate to what you are saying. It's today's world. Texting, FB, insta everything...shallow and easy to fake. Say yes, back out with a few typed words, never have to see the people you disappoint. It still was really rude for people to no show to a dinner invitation...I find that pretty inexcusable...but now you know who to trust.

  • Nicole D replied 9 years ago

    You are right about the flippancy with which we use the word "Friend".  It takes a lot of effort  to be a true friend and they are more precious than gold.
    Especially as we get older.
    You look stunning today, and I am not exaggerating.  That is a classic glam look!

  • deb replied 9 years ago

    I also learned the hard way about 'friends'. I now have a small close knit group that are truly my friends. I love your hair like this.

  • Sara L. replied 9 years ago

    You look great!  I've never been very good at layering under dresses and think your outfit is a great example.

    I really don't understand why people can't be honest and just decline an invitation.  I'd much rather someone just say they can't make it than saying they'll be there and then being a no-show.

  • ironkurtin replied 9 years ago

    I think you look lovely!

    And no-shows to parties really, really do stink.  Sorry.

  • rebekahphoto replied 9 years ago

    I love your outfit and your party hair is divine! and you are wearing my favorite turquoise too.....
    your revelation is quite knowing. I also have come to see that not everyone is honest in their lives, and that I can only be in charge of being true to mine. #trueself #noregrets #livelifelikeyoumeanit

  • Aquamarine replied 9 years ago

    You have every right to be disappointed with the no-shows. I think it's healthy to acknowledge it and move on, a bit wiser. Most of us find out sooner or later who our real friends are. Better to find out early and not during some major life crisis when you need help or support.

  • Stuti replied 9 years ago

    You look lovely.
    I have came to realization of "friend" terminology used loosely hard way too.
    But I have accepted it and moved on enjoying with my real friends :)

  • Janet replied 9 years ago

    You look beautiful as always.

    I'm sorry that there was some disappointment about your party, and that people were rude enough to not show and not communicate. I am always nervous when throwing a party that no one will come. We've had some gatherings that had lower-than-expected turnouts, and I always try to take it as an opportunity to have more meaningful interactions with the few people who do show up. Large parties always make it hard to find time with everyone, you know?

  • Joy replied 9 years ago

    This may be my favorite yet of your outfits, and that's huge because I think you always look stunning. If I had I shirt anything like yours I'd be trying to copy too.
    One of my sons loves to have parties at his home and is frequently disappointed in attendance after he has really gone all out. Although that might be better than my other son who has a tiny apartment, invites a few people over, and they often bring others as unexpected guests. People are a mystery.

  • Debora replied 9 years ago

    DV, you shine in fall colors. I've been traveling the past two days and missed your earlier post, but I am sorry to hear about the no-shows to your party. I'll look for that post now. Thank you for sharing your revelations with us.

  • unfrumped replied 9 years ago

    I love that outfit and your hair!

    I always am amazed at that guest behavior. I give "parties" only rarely, maybe a gathering once or twice a year of some grouping or another (family not included in that definition), though I wish I were better at it, more home-organized and could devote  more time to it, but boy will I attend! I don't mean that to be as bad as it sounds--I try to reciprocate with comestibles  I know my friends like, or actually cook things to take to them, or taking friends out to lunch and dinner. What I mean is, I so appreciate someone  inviting me to their home, cooking, cleaning--we all know what's involved. It's a precious gift.

  • Suz replied 9 years ago

    So, I've had an epiphany, too: You. Are. GORGEOUS!! 

    Well do I recall the earlier version of this outfit. I loved it then and love it even more now with the party hair. 

    I must say, I agree with Gaylene. It seems extraordinarily rude of people to say they are coming and not to come, except in emergency or something. But I'm glad you were able to admit your disappointment. For me that is always the first step -- acknowledging and honouring my own feelings. Anyone would feel as you did (well, I would, at any rate!) -- it is natural to feel hurt when people don't show up for something you've taken some pains to put together. And it's stressful, too -- it sort of spoils the host's fun to some extent, at least for the early hour of the party, when you are waiting and wondering. 

    Fortunately, you've figured out who really wanted to share your celebration, and that's important information going forward. 

  • Day Vies replied 9 years ago

    You ladies are like a cup of warm chicken soup on a cold day! 

    Una - I have the same reaction to people who have 1500 "friends" on Facebook. I'm always wondering have you even met all of those people in real life? 

    El Cee - Granddad was right. My best girlfriend got on a plane and came all the way from DC to my little house party. My brother came from the DC area as well (we've always been close). The no shows couldn't even come across the alley (I am not exaggerating). 

    Caro -- you're right it's their problem not mine. The left overs are kind of a nice trade -- no wondering what's for lunch or dinner this week. 

    Gaylene -- Perhaps we're kindred spirits because that's how I feel about an invitation to somebody's home. It's a privilege and it should be respected not taken for granted that you're always welcome or that you'll always be welcomed. I love your medieval solutions though! :-D

    Ceit -- thank you -- it's another one of those Simply Vera Wang tees from Kohl's 

    Peri -- you raise a good point. It's very easy to be rude if you can just type a few letters and never have to be in the person's presence that you disappoint. 

    Nicole D. / Deb -- Yeah, I'm realizing that I have the incredible shrinking circle of friends. That's why I'm so glad I have this forum. I have better more thought provoking exchanges here than I have with the people I actually see in daily life. 

    Sara L. - I'm so much more understanding when people just say I have other plans. It's hard for me to be diplomatic when you just don't show after saying you'd come. 

    IK - at least I dressed better than I felt for most of the day. 

    Rebekahphoto -- Love the hash tags! #livelifelikeyoumeanit! Thank you.

    Aquamarine -- yep, you don't want to lean on people who have the integrity of a house of cards in your hour of need. Better now than later. 

    Stuti - Yep I can get on with enjoying my real friends.

    Janet - we never had gatherings at our house when I was growing up so I am always afraid that nobody will come every time I have a party. We all want to know that people like us as much as we like them. But yes there were meaningful interactions and very unexpected and generous gifts from my family. So I don't regret having the party at all. I thought it was a simple house party and they treated both me and DH as if we'd just graduated. It was very humbling. 

    Joy -- I think that's what's disappointing the most about no-shows their actions show they have no appreciation for the amount of effort that went into all the preparations. 

    Suz - you are such an empath! Yes the first hour wondering and waiting if ANYBODY is going to show up. Thank you so much for your kind words. 

    I feel so much better now. It's nice to know there's a space in my life where I can be myself and people are really connecting and sharing their true thoughts and ideas. Thank you! 

     

  • Classically Casual replied 9 years ago

    Oh, I so understand how you feel.  I really dislike the current climate of not committing to an invitation until the last minute, or until something better comes along.  It's not good manners, and it sure makes it difficult to make new friends.  And don't get me started on e-vites...

    i would have come to your party and I know it would have been fab & you would have looked fab and been an excellent hostess.  I didn't comment earlier, but congrats on passing the bar!

  • pil replied 9 years ago

    Beautiful, warm colors to counter a chilly fall day. So pretty, especially with that party hair. And raspberries to those who didn't show. If nothing else you were able to spend more time with the people who sincerely cared enough to celebrate with you.

  • NDMom replied 9 years ago

    We haven't met yet...I just returned to the forum. But you look stunning!

    Thank you for sharing too...sorry to hear about your party. You seem so gracious....I am sure you are a great hostess...their loss!

  • Jaime replied 9 years ago

    Agree that it is extremely rude to be a no show. Who needs people like that? Don't even get me started about facebook. You are better off without those people as you realize. 

    Regardless, your outfit is incredible!

  • FlorenceFearne replied 9 years ago

    Oh, I LOVE your hair so much! And that outfit is so cute! Such a smart way to make an office appropriate black sheath more fun and fashionable. 

    I used to have a very active social life, but I realized most of  my "friends" were exactly the type you describe. I eliminated a lot of people from my life, and now I can count my friends on one hand. That may sound extreme to some, but I know if ever my car broke down at 2 AM, or I had to go to the hospital, or even if I just needed someone to eat ice cream with and talk about a bad day, those girls wouldn't delay a minute. I think I'm better off. If you think about one real friend, I bet you already know they're worth 100 of those people who couldn't bother to show up on a special day. Still, those people did do you one favor; they ensured you won't feel guilty for not inviting them in the future. 

  • Day Vies replied 9 years ago

    Florence -- you are a fount of wisdom. Amen!

  • Lantana replied 9 years ago

    Day Vies, what stroke of brilliance made you decide on a necklace that would pick up the turquoise in your top? It is a small and utterly dazzling addition. I am waggling my head in admiration.

  • replied 9 years ago

    I love this with your party hair! And I agree with Penny(Lantana) that the turquoise necklace looks really pretty with the printed top.

    Boo on your friends. I really wish people would just say they have no intention of going to something if they aren't going to show. I had one friend who'd always say, "Well I'll try to come. I really want to." and then never show up. Meanwhile I'd be like a puppy with my nose pressed against the window. She was popular, overbooked and over-committed. I really wanted to quote Yoda to her, "There is only do and not do. There is no try." 

  • replied 9 years ago

    Love your hair!  Your outfit is very cool mad men like.  Sorry you were a bit disappointed with the party, I bet the ones that came had a blast. 

  • Neel replied 9 years ago

    There is so much of wisdom in this thread!

    Day vies - I seriously admire the way you mix colors and your out of the box style.  You look lovely.

    My true friends are those who have been there for me in times of need.  And I can't think of anybody except my mum!  We have a bunch of friends who do turn up at every event we organize and we turn up for every event of theirs.  But they are there to share a laugh or crack a joke.  When it comes to serious life matters I am not in a state to trust anyone but myself and my immediate family who only have MY good in their mind.  No jealousy, no vengeance, no gossip.

    AND I have found talking to *strangers* the BEST therapy.  Strangers on a forum are so much more nicer than people in real life!  Day Vies ..... atleast now you know who your real friends are :) .... so your party isn't something you should regret about ... it was a blessing in disguise :)

  • Amy replied 9 years ago

    Day Vies, I've had a couple of eye-opening experiences like what you've gone through. It was really hard for me to realize that people weren't investing themselves in a relationship the way I had been doing. On the other hand, I have been blown away by the kindness of friends and neighbors...and even complete strangers both as my father was dying and during the aftermath. There is a lot of good in people. It's just so darned hard figuring out when people are simply going through the motions and when they are truly invested in being a good friend, neighbor or colleague. And then there are simply the flakes who mean well, but just can't get it together to do what they say they are going to do.

    I sympathize -- and admire you for keeping your chin up and rocking that party hair and gorgeous outfit.

    Anyway, I will be toasting you from afar!

  • TraceyLiz65 replied 9 years ago

    Love this outfit and your hair. I don't have any worderful advice, just a recent observation. My husband's company owner has a beach house with 8 rooms and tried to fill it for Labor day weekend party and didnt get enough people. Instead he threw a local party at his house and only a small group showed. I guess I just want to say it can happen to anyone.

  • Jeanie replied 9 years ago

    Love, love your outfit.  You make colors sing!  

    So sorry for your disappointment on the party.  After some years of party planning I now expect a percentage of people that replied yes will not show.  It still hurts and I end up with too much food.  

    I have found that there just aren't that many, what I call "genuine" people, who actually mean and do what they say.  I believe that genuine people seek each other out.  I can now spot the non-genuine ones and have fun having casual conversations with them but I know when they say "we are going to have you for dinner" it's never really going to happen.  The ones that will drive a few hours just to see you are real.  To me it's as if the real ones have a different kind of heart & soul built into them.  You are blessed to be one of the kind hearted in the world!

  • shemarie replied 9 years ago

    First, Day Vies, your outfit and hair are absolutely, positively stunning.  The dress, the colors, the necklace and boots...they are just perfection on you.  Seriously.  You know what suits you and you completely own it.  I so wish I was there in my fashion journey...I still feel clothes wear me, instead of the other way around!

    Second, I'm so impressed with your revelation.  Thanks for sharing.  It's clear to me that it was most definitely the so-called "friends" who missed out, not you.  I had a similar experience several years ago. I've always been the overly loyal, available, "if-nothing-better-comes-along" option, or the one who everyone could rely on in an emergency or in a panic, a crutch until someone better happened by, but never a priority.  Not that I'd ever refuse to help someone who really needed me, of course, or turn anyone away, but I needed and wanted to have as true, close friends others who are just plain real.  Just authentic. And who let me be the same.  I learned while I can still try to treat everyone, close or not, with love and kindness, that it's okay to limit those I allow into my "circle of influence" in order to protect myself emotionally.  That lesson has been such a blessing.   Hoping your revelation brings you the same peace!      

  • goldenpig replied 9 years ago

    You are so stunning Day Vies! Love your outfit and how smart to layer a colorful blouse under the black sheath. It's like colorblocking at its best! Your hair is gorgeous as usual and you look radiant. I'm sorry so many people didn't show up. That is so annoying. At least you know who to concentrate your valuable time on! Congrats again on passing the bar!

  • Deborah replied 9 years ago

    I so relate to your revelation DV and I am so glad you shared it. I try and focus on the handful of genuine and close friends I have rather than the numerous acquaintances with which I have very little in the way of meaningful interaction.

    Your outfit is just mindblowingly gorgeous.

  • Jules replied 9 years ago

    Thanks, you've reminded me of the true friends who came across town after another commitment for our daughter's party last year. It was a small party with families I didn't know yet (new daycare) and it was really lovely to have them. I'd forgotten that. The same party has gotten a bit out of control this year and I was half considering not inviting them (to be fair I was going to have them for a separate get together). But clearly us and our kids' parties are important to them and they need to be invited not dropped for more 'convenient' friends!
    Thanks :)

  • kkards replied 9 years ago

    i always had a small close group of friends, because even in my school days, it was clear that there were friends and there were "friends".  and now with the advent of social media, its so much easier to keep up, and yet not know at all what is happening in someones life.

    anyway, i think this is my favorite of all the outfits you have posted. FAB! love it! 

  • replied 9 years ago

    Hugs DV. I can't believe how people can say they will turn up and then they don't. I think it's quite rude and you have every right to feel disappointed. You really find out who your true friends are on such occasions. As for your photo, I think it's fabulous. I love the autumnal tones with the gorgeous black sheath and high boots, you look fab, you are fab!

  • Mona replied 9 years ago

    I agree 100% on this with you. I find that something about inviting people to your house to share food is very intimate and most of the people are afraid of it. I have had people cancel on me last minute and I can't help but feel disappointed and rejected.
    The fact that you are already planning another party soon shows me that you are already over your disappointment. Can I please be invited to the next one?

  • Glory replied 9 years ago

    DV you look fab as always.
    In some really odd way I felt so uplifted by your post. I think I have spent years sweeping exactly those feelings you have so artfully articulated under the rug without honouring or acknowledging them. When I read your post your experience was a complete moment for me as well! I am sorry to hear that some of the invited people didn't attend and celebrate with you. I know I would have been giddy with excitement to have been invited. Hugs to you xo

  • rachylou replied 9 years ago

    OMG, this outfit is perfection. I'm faving it. Everything is perfect, the fit, the colours, the boots, the hair...

    I missed out on the party story. One thing I learned about *events* from being president of the Catholic Students Association in college - you just schedule them and then say *whatever* - and keep doing it. It's always one half dozen or the other.

  • Ornella replied 9 years ago

    I simply love your party hair. And your whole outfit is gorgeous. I know you love jewellery, but to me this necklace is not only about wearing what you love, but it really finishes off the whole thing so nicely.

    There was a lot I wanted to say when I first read your thread, but it boils down to what you said yourself "I'd fallen into the trap of thinking that my definition of friend is the same as everyone else's". I am really sorry you had this disappointment, I know it hurts. The good thing is it helps sort out who the real friends and people worthy of your time and effort are. The older I am, the more I take care who I spend my time with. No apologies.

  • Lyn D. replied 9 years ago

    This is why YLF isn't just a group of people showing-off their outfits- that would be as inconsequential as flicking through a magazine to kill a few empty minutes.
    Also why I spent a fair chunk of my time here- to interact with lovely, intelligent and thoughtful ladies like you.
    Those no-show guests are missing more than just your gorgeous outfit DV!

  • Lisa replied 9 years ago

    Gorgeous printed top under the sheath.  And great insight about "friends".  unfortunately true one's are hard to find.  And I feel the older I get the harder it gets to meet people.  It's a shame that interactions don't have much meaning anymore.  It's become generally accepted to be fleeting with people, with sharing thoughts and even with being present itself.  I always see people on their phones, in a store, at the mall, in the movies and when I sit down with someone often they are not 100% present with the conversation.  And letter writing and even emails are more and more a thing of the past.

  • Day Vies replied 9 years ago

    Ornella  - I couldn't agree more. The older I get it seems the more careful I've got to be with who I spend my time. You're right no apologies.

    Lyn D. - you make an excellent point. Right before I joined YLF I was really feeling the lack of having "girlfriends" My best friend relocated across the country and there just wasn't anyone I could hang out with to discuss a range of topics with -- including outfits. YLF has filled in that gap. I think it's fascinating that a group of accomplished smart women have gathered together around fashion to discuss a range of topics beyond clothing.

    Lisa - I'm with you. I wonder to myself when I see two people sitting at a table together but each staring into their respective phones, what's the point of sharing a meal if neither of you is present. Oh and since you brought it up --  people not being present in my presence is a HUGE pet peeve of mine.  I'm here in front of your face and that other person you're texting is somewhere else, as a result I think I deserve more of your attention. Paying more attention to a phone as opposed to a person is just rude.

  • Gaylene replied 9 years ago

    OK, I'm feeling really old now, because I can't fathom being with someone who was more interested in texting another person than in talking to me when I'm sitting across from them. That's just bizarre--and more than a little sad. And since I'm into medieval punishments, I'd suggest some time in the stocks for these transgressors, with their smart phones placed just outside of their reach where they could see, but not touch, them.

  • Day Vies replied 9 years ago

    Gaylene  - Oh, I love this idea. I think the phone should keep buzzing, beeping, or ringing just to make them believe that they're missing out on something "important" :-D

  • Susie replied 9 years ago

    I'm sorry that I missed this earlier.

    First, huge congrats on passing the bar!! That is such an accomplishment and awesome news!

    Second, you - again- look amazing. It's a beautiful way to wear your dress. And your party hair is gorgeous!

    I would have certainly been hurt, and annoyed too, that some people didn't show up when you were expecting them. That's just rude. I'm glad that you were able to see the silver lining by enjoying the company of those who are genuine friends.

  • Helena replied 9 years ago

    I can relate to what you said also ... great revelations; every relationship is a learning experience, even the bad/shallow/barely qualify ones ...

    you look fantastic!

  • Firecracker (Sharan) replied 9 years ago

    Well, I'm glad I happened upon this thread. I've been sporadic on the forum lately. What a great outfit, just spectacular on you! I agree with Lantana, the necklace is brilliant with it, as are the boots.
    Thanks for sharing your epiphany. I am not a big party-giver, but I do enjoy entertaining family. They are always good about RSVPs, too!

    And congratulations!!!! You are awesome, passing the bar exam. I've seen people struggle with it, and I'm so impressed and happy for you.

  • Day Vies replied 9 years ago

    Firecracker -- I think I'll reserve my parties for just my family moving forward. Everyone else can meet me an a restaurant and pay their own tab.

  • Jenava replied 9 years ago

    Ah, my dear, this resonates with me, as I, too, tend to want a deeper connection with people I consider friends!  My hubby and I have hosted a holiday cocktail party a few times through the years (3 or 4, skipping a few years when we were in school), and in general attendance seems to have more to do with what other parties are going on than anything else.  Last year I guess there wasn't much else going on that weekend, because we had a stellar turnout (17 people in our tiny townhouse!).  The previous year I think we had 5!  LOL...I have learned not to take it personally and instead just consider that for the folks who choose to come, even if it was only because there was nothing else going on, at least I was able to provide them with some joy for an evening and hopefully making some new connections.  And, when attendance is low I just try to remember that for my GOOD friends who did come, at least we were able to spend that time together and become even closer...In both cases, I have learned not to over think my party planning, because if I make everything perfect and the party gods are against me then I am very disappointed.  Even when I don't over plan it's still a little stinging when people don't show, I will admit.  I have never been one to be center of a social circle, so it's intimidating to boot, because I always feel like I can't gauge if people are the types of friends who will show up or not.  I do hope you'll still give some of your friends a chance to show up again because you never know (and I'm a big fan of second chances).  But I do agree that maybe giving them that chance on their own dime is a good idea.  (-:

  • bj1111 replied 9 years ago

    DV, i would so ride on your bus.  you sound like you are going to fun places that will fulfill you in many more ways than the past few stops have.

    Enjoy the journey and the companionship!  yay for DH.

  • CocoLion replied 9 years ago

    Love your party outfit!!

    "I think I'll reserve my parties for just my family moving forward. Everyone else can meet me an a restaurant and pay their own tab."

    As someone who's in the restaurant business, we'd love the support.  We'll split the check for you, accommodate any dietary requests such as gluten-free, salt-free etc.  And we'll do the clean-up.

    ETA/P.S. -- And so much of what you said, I could relate to!


  • KathyL replied 9 years ago

    I love all your outfits and this one is beautifully put together as well. Thank you for sharing your relevations with us. You expressed so perfectly what I've been feeling about my own circle of friends. Your metaphor about the bus is great. For me, it's been important to figure out the differences between acquaintances and real friends and the difference in expectations between the two. The small circle of family and friends that I know I can count on are worth more to me than a bus load of superficial acquaintances.

  • Catnip replied 9 years ago

    Hello Day Vies,

    I don't know you at all, but reading your posts about the people who didn't show up at your party makes so sad.  You have just achieved something truly significant, something that took an enormous amount of work. You should be celebrated, but unfortunately the world doesn't work that way. 

    I've been in your position and can say that you will be lucky if you make one true friend about every ten years.  You are much younger than I am so this may not seem like nearly enough friends, but I can assure you that they will add up over time.  So don't worry about those people who didn't show up for you.  You will be fine if you are selective about your friends, and if you don't let those people who blow you off get you down.

    In the meantime, you have fabulous style!  I hope this gives you some pleasure.

  • Deborah replied 9 years ago

    Book me a seat you on your bus... please!  DV I love your analogy and how you have processed this.  For those of us who are relational and value quality time spent with those we care about, this is a life changing revelation.  The number of people who are closest to me, who I can share openly with and honestly with and who I want to do life with is very small, but those relationships are very fulfilling. 

    And I echo what the lovely Lyn D says above.  This community has proven to be a place of real depth of relationship that I never imagined when I first visited. 

  • Asingh replied 9 years ago

    DV, you look great! 
    True friends are hard to come by, and when you find a few that remain with you through the years, you realise how lucky you are!

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